Do You Want to Play at All?

I was thinking about some of the ironies of my life. I just started seeing one of my exes, Stewart, again. He’s getting a divorce. I’m tired of sleeping alone. So, we got together a couple of weeks ago.

Back in January, I was hoping to have something like this with Cricket. He lives close, which makes it much easier. Also, he’s more masculine, a stronger personality than Stewart. And more dominant, too. Oh, and an Act second. Love that. For whatever reason, Cricket and I just couldn’t quite go there.

The moment when he realized this was a bit more than poignant. He used to give me water between rounds of hot sex. I could stay on my back and he’d take a sip of water into his mouth and give it to me directly. I loved that. It’s very intimate.

I was lying on the bed and asked Cricket for water. He couldn’t do it. He tossed and turned on the bed for … I don’t know… quite a while. I know that words come last for him. He Feels, then Acts, then Thinks. Weird to me, because I Think then Feel, then Act. (And he hates it when I talk about that.) We kinda chase each other’s process. Same sequence, just different order. So I waited to see if he could come up with any words.

Finally, he said, “I think I’m monogamous.”

That was and wasn’t a surprise. He’s had a girlfriend since he and I broke up in September 04. She knows about me. We’ve met. She doesn’t care if Cricket and I have sex. They have an open agreement. Cricket and I kept up our sexual relationship until March of last year. His girlfriend lives out of state, and only sees him on weekends. So Cricket was thinking maybe he and I could get together during the week sometimes. I liked the idea.

But he could no more give me that sip of water than the man in the moon.

Last week when I saw Stewart and Audrey, I asked Stewart for water. I forgot. He never could do that. It weirds him out. I managed not to cry, though.

I had a feeling that if I opened up my sexual energy at all, to anyone, that I’d start attracting men into my life again.

I don’t know what else to do. My astrologer says I probably won’t find a stable relationship for a couple more years. I think she’s wrong, but that’s okay. The Sabian symbol for my solar return chart is 2 lovebirds sitting on a fence singing happily. Jupiter is conjunct Venus this year. It conjuncts natal Jupiter next year. Neptune is certainly opposing my Moon, which she reads as illusions. I read it as idealism. Might work. Might not, but it will seem ideal at the time.  🙂

Does that make sense to you?

Anyway, I’ve had an ad on Craig’s List for a few months. I’ve posted it twice, trying to just hone in my own mind who I am and what I’m looking for. I’ve gotten almost no useful responses, as usual, but it’s a good exercise.

Until last week.

I got an email from a man who said he wanted to know more about me. He talked about being a mystic himself, and how he just can’t go into a relationshp without that. Don’t ask me how many times I read it.

We emailed back and forth a little, and last week, Wednesday night, he called me. We were on the phone for 3 and a half hours. I know. Way too long for a first phone call, but forever is always enough for a mystical experience.

I’d never connected that much with anyone in person, much less on the phone. We all know I do Passion, then Power, then Observation. I’m finally, several days later getting into the Observations. One observation is that the is 18 years younger than I am. Yikes.

I also neglected to mention my current liaison with Stewart. It came to mind, but never felt right to say anything. I have a date with Stewart tonight. I want to see him in a way, but not without telling err.. well, believe it or not, and another of my ironies, the new guy’s name is also Stewart. Carl Jung said, “The measure of a man is his ability to handle paradox.” Measure me!

I am hoping Stewart calls today so I can ‘fess up and get clear here. Yeah, it’s just one phone call, but this is an integrity thing, you know?

I was getting out of the bath tub and wondering if Stewart would mind if Stewart takes care of my body while Stewart and I get to know each other. Then I wondered if Stewart will want to play at All?

I walked into my room and my eyes landed on the bottle of laundry detergent on my table.

It is All.

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