“Stress Makes Us Blind and Stupid”

It’s true.

There I was in Ireland not really enjoying it. Why?

I was stressed and not clearing it. Not like I wasn’t trying. But I wasn’t getting there by myself. I literally could not see straight.

I’ve done nothing but learn ways to clear stress my entire life. At least that’s one way of looking at all the counseling, rebirthing breathwork, neurolinguistic programming, meditation, Work of Byron Katie, Quantum Wealth, etc. that I have spent tons of time and money doing. I did breathwork. I looked for thoughts to investigate.

Finally, I wrote down, “I need someone to help me.”

It was true. There was nothing to investigate!

Sometimes we are so overwhelmed, so “blind and stupid” that we need a hand-hold, an assist, a little help from our friends.

I have told clients that if we were meant to heal alone we’d be on a planet alone. The fact that there are 6 BILLION other humans here is a clue.

I did finally ask for help.

I called Boulder and requested a session with one of my teachers. The stress cleared up. I came home in a state of bliss.

I met fascinating people on the way home. Talked with a guy named Mauricio most of the way across the Atlantic. He was like a brother. We got our nasty airplane food. I asked if he wanted my roll. He gave me his salad. We talked like we had known each other forever, in both English and Spanish. I will likely write more about that later. He was good company. I met a woman in the Chicago airport, a financial investment counselor, who was going to meet friends in Boulder. She said they studied some American Indian path, something Sioux, she said. I taught her how to say “All my relations” in Lakota Sioux. Mi takuye oyasin.

Everything was interesting that had not been before. I found myself thinking about how to write about the people I met. I noticed the Irish countryside as I flew over it, and Colorado’s when I got here. I said Ireland was like a green egg carton. The landscape was bumpy and green. Colorado was flat and brown. I was blissing out on even flat and brown.

Bliss is not dependent on where we are or who we’re with or what is happening. I knew that, but for a couple of weeks there, I just couldn’t connect with it at all.

It’s a little weird to be back in Boulder right now.

In a way I kind of feel like I chickened out and left Ireland due to lack of funds. Maybe, maybe not. I thought I had a place I could stay a while, but missed connections and directions, and ended up sitting around in Cork for an extra week.

I could have taken what money I had and gone to London and been there this past weekend to see Swami Vishwananda, which was something I wanted to do very much. One of my former roommates is there. I had spaced it out until I got a letter yesterday from the Seva (work) group that they organized to support Swami’s work in Boulder. I had totally spaced out that it was this past weekend. Of course, that could have something to do with being in bed all weekend. Now I appreciate that distraction more than ever.

Of course, Swami will be here in a few weeks. I can see him right in my own backyard. And that was one of the things I noticed even before I left, of course. Nothing new there. I wasn’t leaving to find anything in Ireland that I could not find here. There was nothing in Ireland or elsewhere than I couldn’t do here, in fact maybe more of it here. That felt like a rationalization for going home (or before I left for not going), though, and from my stressed state, it was.

I imagine I could have gotten enough together to get back if I had gone on, but I was in that state of worry that keeps me from thinking clearly and didn’t get it clear enough to see my choices. 

At the same time, Aubrey keeps telling me how she doesn’t know how she would have gotten through the move without me. I’m living in one bedroom and the rest of the house is currently covered in plastic and being painted. I believe I will be able to open the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets again by Friday. The place is empty except for a few things I have and a little clutter in the basement. I’ll live here till the place sells unless something else comes up sooner.

So, not knowing how to talk about all of this is why I have not written much about Ireland. I was all busy doing image management. I didn’t realize it. And I didn’t want to look at it. I got to do The Work last Tuesday and realized how much energy and how much of my life is spent on this. I cried for half an hour first, though. I could not see it at all. I did not want to go there. I was still trying to look good.

So many people had helped me to get there. I was supposed to be feeling grateful and having a wonderful experience, but I was not. I didn’t feel like I could be honest with anyone about that.

Frankly, I hated Ireland for days at a time. I was bored. I was restless. I didn’t know what to do or where to go next. I was panicky, really. I finally got honest enough to say it that way to my friend, Erica, yesterday, and then I found myself writing to Ruth in a little more detail, and the next thing you know, I finally felt like I could write honestly about it for this blog.

It’s hard to say you hate something when you have worked so hard to get there. And it’s not that there was anything wrong with Ireland. There wasn’t. It’s just a place. I was just too “blind and stupid” to be clear about it and enjoy it. Once I got clear, all was bliss again.

But then I got home, and immediately immersed myself in someone else’s problems and worked on Aubrey’s house. I didn’t make time to stop and think about Ireland even though Aubrey was urging me to take a couple of days to myself and let her do the packing. Actually, I was getting stressed again and her stress was just a cover for my own.

I can now see several things I will change the next time I head out for something like this. From a different, less stressed, perspective, it was an incredible learning experience. I would not trade it. It is embarrassing in some ways, yes, but there’s not much I can do about that.

Wonder what’s next?

Love,
Stacy

“Stress makes us blind and stupid.”

                       – Steven Sashen, Quantum Wealth workbook

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