Timidly I Post

Some of you are looking at the subject line and wondering what the aliens did with Stacy, I know. But hear me out, and think about it… gently, as my mother would say. One of the ways I cope with the fact that I am so ultra-sensitive inside is to be ultra-hardshelled outside, just like any turtle, doncha know?

So, I did Steven Sashen’s Quantum Wealth class this weekend. Yes, again. Just be quiet, ok? I’m trying to get this down without crying. And yes, it is going to count toward my 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo. Once edited it may actually land in the dang book.

You see, the only way I can write this book is to reach inside that hard shell I wear and let some of the softness out, or at least bring it into view. You know it’s there. It’s obvious. Why else would there be a shell at all?

So, I had this email and phone exchange with my former husband and one of the loves of my life, Marvin, and in his last note he said, “May make good blogging material.” *gulp* I wrote him back and said, “Not yet. It still feels too personal.”

Okay, well, *deep breath* I do give myself credit for knowing a good idea when I see one and for being able to quickly admit something to others once I’ve admitted it to myself. It isn’t going to seem like such a big deal or so tender to some of you, but it feels like that to me right now.

On Friday, I got a voice mail message from a number in Dallas that looked familiar, but didn’t come up in my caller ID. I quickly figured out it was Marvin’s cell phone, or I thought so, and I emailed him because I could not hear what the message was. I could tell someone was trying to play me a piece of music. (My friends do this fairly often. I love music and tend to have a soundtrack going in my head for my life. Lovers get theme songs. I have theme songs for various phases. And, as you know, I burst into song at the slightest provocation partly because I love to sing and sing something that fits the moment, and partly because I want to contribute to being living proof that yes, people in real life do that!)

Anyway, I emailed Marvin from Steven’s workshop Saturday morning (the Marriott is kind enough to provide a computer to guests and I didn’t have the laptop, talk about living in an abundant Universe) asking him if he sent the voice mail and telling him I couldn’t make out the song.

Marvin, a man of few words, which is one of the two reasons we ever divorced (because otherwise he is a jewel of a man and we love each other deeply), emailed back “Queen. Fat Bottomed Girls. Thought of you for some reason.”

I laughed my ass off.

I heard the same song just a couple of days ago when I was feeling particularly discouraged about my excess weight and remembering Jon, who knew me both BF and AF (Before Fat and After Fat) and remarked in bed one day, AF, with obvious surprise in his voice, “You’re still sexy.”

Lately, I’ve been having the opposite experience. Well, not exactly. two men have told me how beautiful I am, but at the same time, they found my weight repulsive. Okay. So do I, actually. How can I fault them for agreeing with me? Answer: I can’t.

Here is my (unedited) email reply to Marvin:

That is fucking hilarious!

A few days ago, I was lamenting the fact that this guy I’m interested in is having trouble with my weight. (I’m back to about where I was when we divorced… dang it.) and I heard “Fat Bottom Girls,” which reminded me that some guys actually *like* that.

On top of that, I’m in Steven’s Quantum Wealth workshop and 10 minutes ago I was doing some releasing contractions on the goal to weigh 120 lbs again (I have only seen 124… and that was right after the Shivambu Kalpa Vidhi fast.)

So, what we do is release contractions and stress about the goal and see what the Next Step might be… and I actually came to the Mariott’s computer to look up something Steven was telling me about calorie restriction diets and longevity.

http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=530

is one of the links.

So… you are, as usual, my love, right on target with where I am.

Marvin, sometimes I wonder why I divorced you.  (And the answer partly is because I had created so much stress in my own mind about being with you… but it was being with me that needed some investigation.)

Love you very much,

Stacy

*deep sigh*

What I did not mention to him at that point is that I was not doing Quantum Wealth per se this weekend. I chose to do the weekend on Quantum Relationship. Every time we were doing an exercise, I was doing it on my 360 Degree Desire Sheet on marrying again.  Oh, if we were doing something that required numbers or financial information, I switched and worked on that. It’s all related.

So, there he was, right on time in perfect intuitive connection, which is one of the things I value in a husband. Marvin is a meditation teacher, as well. And then he had the audacity to suggest it might make good blogging material. Of course he was right. Dammit. Here is where I make that wrinkly nosed impudent little face that Cricket makes when you say the obvious and you’re right.

For those of you who do not know, Marvin has been with Paula since about 6 months after our divorce, 10 years ago. For nearly 10 years, she had been wanting to get married and Marvin refused, saying that if three marriages didn’t work out, he wanted to try something different. Since he wanted to stay, he would not marry her.

January of this year, I called Marvin and told him I finally felt I had healed enough from our divorce to get married again. About 3 weeks later, he called and told me he and Paula had gotten married and he sent me pictures. He has a sweet look on his face and I suspect he cried, knowing him. She looks stressed and is frowning.

So, y’all, if you know any (very verbal) good men who might be compatible with all you know of me and who can be patient while I drop this weight (I can show him pictures of what he can look forward to in a few months at www.templepriestess.com) send him my way. I lost 5 pounds already just thinking about it.   🙂

Love,

Stacy

PS – If any of you friendly geeks know how to fix the change in font up there and want to, let me know and I’ll give you the password to this thing. I’ve been doing it when that happens and I’m just tired of having to focus on all that stupid code. That’s what geeks are for! Nevermind, I did it. I couldn’t stand to look at this with three fonts. Too messy. But seriously, if any of you can help, let me know.

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