Archive for December, 2006

What’s Next?

December 26, 2006

This is a way too familiar question at this point.

I’ve been in New Mexico at both of Joy’s homes, Villanueva and Santa Fe. It was wonderful to be with her, especially at darshan with Swami Vishwananda. It was the first time Joy had been to darshan with anyone. She was giggly for days, especially after three days of seeing everyone around her as God. One night she looked into the mirror and saw God. That was priceless.

Swami’s darshan in Santa Fe, Fort Worth and then home.

Well, sort of. Not home at Lafayette, near home on a mountain house sitting.

Now I’ve been house sitting on a mountain for nearly 2 weeks. In some ways, it almost feels like Ireland. Too solitary for me!

I guess maybe all of this is building up steam for me to find solutions in the problem. (Yeah, I know, Joy, I’m taking out the “maybe.”)

I really, really want to live in a community of like-minded people. As in a single roommate isn’t enough. I need to be teaching and leading groups. I am thinking of going ahead and starting a few. I attempted to revive Priest Women’s Lunch, but we were snowed out. No one could even get out of their driveways with 3 or 4 feet of snow here.

Now I’m in discussion with another writer about starting a science fiction group of some kind. I suspect he is a hard science type of science fiction reader. I would like to have some major input on what we read and discuss because I totally read for meaning and messages. The technology isn’t all that interesting to me. It’s just there to support the meaning.

At some point, I am going to have to move. Joy is selling her place. Well, if it sells, I suppose. The market isn’t great and there was a fire two doors down and it still looks awful. They’ll be working on that place for a while. I’ve considered being a managing tenant there. It is much better now that it is remodeled.

I notice that I am enjoying the sunrise much, much more today than I have most days up here. Why do I think that is? Well, I had some company up here all day yesterday. It made a world of difference. I finally got into the hot tub for the first time. I’ll have company tonight, too. Sean is coming up to enjoy the hot tub.

I know what to do, really. Find clarity and ask what Next Step I can take.

So many “goals,” though: marriage, home, better car, work to do, income (not necessarily the same), social groups to build.

Social groups to build?

Did I write that?

Hmm. . . looks like that suggests some potential Next Steps, doesn’t it?

Call and write people, have a few group discussions. See about getting the resources together. I can inspire. I’d like a Sage for the group building part.

*smile* I love how this stuff works.




Snow Blog

December 23, 2006

After being shut in on a mountain for 4 days, I suppose a snow blog is invevitable.

I have a stabbing pain between my shoulder blades from typing in awkward positions. The computer cable is on a coffee table. At first I was bending over too much. I realized that after the first day. Now I pull the laptop into my lap and it helps, but it really hurts right now.

The pain is also from shoveling the porch, and several large concrete steps twice. The second time I had to stop at the bottom step where the Sun does not reach, because 3 feet of very wet snow was too dense and heavy for me to lift.

So, let’s talk about being alone, being lonely and solitude.

I am fine with my own company. I like me. I am fine with being alone and keeping myself occupied. I have tons of writing to do. I listen to chants and sing and such like that. I read . . . a lot.

However, I only need maybe 10 or 20% of my time to be alone time. I much prefer having a few people around to talk to. I love being part of a group. This past couple of years marks the longest time in my life in which I have not been part of a spiritual social group of some kind.

I learned a lot from the trip to Ireland. I will not try to travel that much alone again. I will take a travel companion or three.

I had the same wonderful roommate for nearly 4 years prior to this 2 years of solitude. I’ve had 3 since then and Joy moved out in October. Then I got stuck on this mountain for 4 days.

It’s a beautiful mountain. It’s a beautiful home. I’m sure the hot tub is great, but I haven’t been in it. It has 3 feet of packed snow on top. I’m not sure I can lift it and I don’t really feel like going out there just yet. Maybe I will before I leave. Maybe I won’t.

My days have been about scooping 6 catboxes and I spent 2 days keeping a fire in the woodstove and decided it was way more work than it was worth. I don’t need to be that warm. It needs attention every 2 hours or it dies down too much to light the next wood. I did start the fire with only paper and hardwood on my second try. Thank God for that year on Coal Creek Canyon.

Right now, I just want to get down to a coffee shop and be among people. Well, that and writing this blog. I write in order to be with people, you know. To communicate with people and hopefully, some will communicate back.

It’s the first thing I can do about the over-abundance of solitude.

There is a sweet little college kid, and probably his roommate, down there shoveling snow again. The one guy spent 3 hours yesterday and only got maybe 1/5 of the job done. It is dense, heavy wet snow about 3 to 4 feet thick all over the driveway, parking lot, steps and cars.

His roommate couldn’t find any rock salt anywhere last night, so they stopped at sunset and promised to come back this morning. And here they are. A nice fellow plowed some last night, but then his truck got stuck, because it was dark and freezing up again. It helped. And the kids won’t have so much to do on the sloped driveway now.

I asked them to make getting the car out a priority. I need to check the Lafayette home and get the big blue trash can into the garage. It’s been on the street since Wednesday. I hope.

I meditate every day, usually when I wake up and again in the early afternoon. I’d just as soon do that with a group, as well. Alone is fine. It keeps me centered.

Jonathan Cainer wrote that recent data from the Hubble telescope shows that the Galactic Center or Core is not one star, but many stars all together. To me, that means that this period of abundant aloneness is going to end. I will notice there are other lights around me, translucent beings to share with.

Thank God!



Astrology Note:

Pluto is conjunct the Galactic Center which is conjunct my natal Sun and Midheaven and in the same sign as my Mercury, Mars, and Jupiter. In fact, those 3 planets are all in Sagittarius right now, too. And of course, the Sun was in Sagittarius for the past month.

Inspiration from (and on) My Birthday

December 19, 2006

Good morning,

I am sitting on a very comfortable couch in a luxurious home on the side of a mountain watching the Sun rise over Boulder on my birthday. (Thank you!  You know who you are. Sunrises are *amazing* here!) Both my new car and a loaned Subaru Forester (I want my own, in a darker green and standard by the end of the year.) sit outside. I feel SO very blessed and supported on my birthday. I’m getting emails, e-cards and phone calls from people I love.

Since I was 5 years old I have known that I want to teach. I had some … hmm… childhood complications.

Incest. Really, my thoughts *about* incest, and that’s what I’ve learned. That is very different.

The experiences I have had in the life that followed are the very soil in which my teaching and my learning are planted. Sometimes it’s manure, but it matures.

I’ve had some trepidation about speaking in front of large groups of people I do not know. At the same time, I suddenly felt connected and high a few years ago, when I was talking on sexual surrogacy to a class at CU and someone said, “How did you get started doing this?”

I took a deep breath and looked around me. I decided that in a class at CU it was pretty much guaranteed most if not all of them were adult enough to hear my answer. I told them that my response to incest was to explore sexuality long and hard. (All my puns are intentional. I didn’t say it quite that way to them. I wasn’t that quick.Oh, and I no longer do sexual surrogacy. I’m way too monogamous for it.

I’ve trained in Rebirthing/Vivation Breathwork, NLP, Institute for Spiritual Partnerships, Work of Byron Katie, Quantum Wealth, astrology, psychology (master’s), ministry (working on a doctorate), and more. I’ve led support groups and counseled and coached privately on spirituality, relationships, sexuality, career, meditation, goals, gosh everything. I’m the author of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Being a Sex Goddess.” (Look it up on Amazon) Yet somehow, I often stop at merely being a contributing student in the front of the class (or writing long blogs and emails to lists, yes.)

What I am doing this year, is stepping up to the front and speaking to groups, in person.

Actually, I’d just as soon sit in a circle and talk, as often as that format is possible. I don’t know any more or any less than anyone else, so I don’t have to stand at the front of a room to establish some kind of authority. Either I know what I’m talking about or I don’t. In which case, I’d love to be enlightened.

This birthday, I am coming out of the closet as a teacher. I am also coming out of the closet as a writer and a counselor.

I could use some tech support. I have 2 dormant web domains and one that needs updating and need to establish some others for other purposes, like soon. I can trade for my services, especially Clutter Clearing, Work of Byron Katie, and Quantum Wealth. I would also be happy to share, in person, a couple of tastes of Steven’s IAM meditations, which will soon be available to the public.

If any of you know of any teaching positions or groups I could speak to or have any ideas at all about this, I am soliciting support here, now, from you. I would appreciate any and all suggestions, not limited to positive ones, either. I need support and people, large groups of people I don’t know, to do this.  🙂

I posted the above to a few of the email lists I’m on. They are most patient with me when I run on like that. Maybe I do have something to say that someone wants to hear. Writing to email lists has been a “safe” way to say things. So, has writing this blog.  

I am really enjoying the day. I feel very, very good about the coming year. I really appreciate my readers. You’ve given me a place to practice. Last year I came out of the closet to write about myself here.

Writing has the advantage of giving me time to think and edit. At the same time, when I first started, it was hard. I was sending my little heart out in print with no way of knowing how it would be received. This year I’ve spent some time on Katie’s question, “Whose business are you in when you think that thought?” Now it doesn’t matter so much how this is received. That’s completely none of my business.

It’s time to take this out into the world in person again. I’ve gone from doing mostly individual work and small support groups, to writing, and now I am going public to large groups of people I do not (yet) know. Katie teaches that “reality is kinder than your thinking.” I know it is. I’m ready to experience that in teaching.

Thank you for listening.  I may add to this some throughout the day.


“To teach is to demonstrate.”

                  – A Course in Miracles

The Secret – Not!

December 18, 2006

A colleague & friend in London just sent me a well-put opinion on “The Secret, ” a popular recent, “you create your own reality” New Age movie, from someone named Burt Harding, I’m also A Course in Miracles student, not to mention The Work of Byron Katie, and my understanding of Truth has developed a lot in the past few years with that.

Here’s an excerpt from his newsletter:

“In our fascination with seeking we are ready to buy into anything that promises personal power, longer life and a happier and healthier future. But is this really what it’s all about? The path of working with manifesting things in your life can be called the path of magic (coined by A Course in Miracles).

This path of magic is our ego’s craving and blocks our immediate seeing of what-is here and now. One of the great illusions is that we can find happiness through attachments and material attainments.”

Isn’t anybody else noticing this?

I sent this note to a couple of my email lists.

I received many, many well thought out replies to this post and I appreciate them all. I was surprised at the depth of this discussion.

Thank you. I wish everyone had pressed “reply to all” so you could have seen them.

 What I have found so far is that reality is sort of like the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

 A better interpretation was offered by Steven Sashen, author of the upcoming book on quantum wealth. He pointed out that in the yin yang  symbol, one side represents the areas in which we can take action and do our part to move toward whatever we are moving toward as a goal.

The other side, though, is the things we cannot control, and we would not  want to! That’s where the Mystery happens. There “the Universe does what  the Universe does.” Or, “This or something better, Thy Will be done.”

Our job is to stay on our side of that line.

 (Steven actually used the word “magic,” but in order not to confuse it  with “magical thinking” or attempts to control reality, things outside of  our control, I’m saying Mystery and the Universe.)

One of the things that helps me stay on my side of that wavy line down the  middle of the yin yang is to ask Byron Katie’s questions, especially:

       “Whose business am I in when I think that thought?”

We’ve found three kinds of business:

God’s (use your preferred term) – the weather, the stock market, events, other people
Someone Else’s – their opinions, thoughts, feelings, actions, etc.
Mine – well, check inside, yours may differ

It was Kathy Adams who, about this time last year, really helped me to focus on this idea more, when she told me that she had been checking and finding out that almost nothing was her business. I’m discovering that, too.

Peace seems to be the result.

Peace on Earth, Good Will toward All,



I Don’t Love New York… or LA… or Las Vegas… or Santa Fe

December 12, 2006

I was talking to a friend tonight and she asked how my visit to Santa Fe was. I found myself telling this story, and I’ve told it several times, so I suppose it might save me some time to just post it for everyone.

I don’t just love Santa Fe. I’ve ended up there about four times now. Seems like anytime I say I don’t care for a city, I get to visit it: New York, LA, Las Vegas, New Orleans and well, differently, Santa Fe. I’ve been to them all.

Maybe if I could convincingly say I don’t like Seattle, I could finally visit the Pacific Northwest. Maybe if I could lie and say I’d hate New England in the Fall, I could get there before winter just once. (I’ve been there twice long after the leaves have dropped.)

Anyway, I don’t much like the Santa Fe culture. I don’t like adobe. I don’t like silver. I don’t like Georgia O’Keefe. And if green sauce is the default on your Mexican food, you’re in the wrong state.

So how did I end up making all these trips there?

Oh, the first time it was a meditation retreat with my husband. (That’s how I ended up in New York, too. Manhattan to be precise.) The second time a boyfriend wanted to take a short trip and he wanted to see the Chuck Jones Museum. Oh, you don’t know who Chuck Jones is? Yes, you do. You just don’t realize it.

He is the cartoonist who created Bugs Bunny, the Roadrunner, Yosimete Sam and all those Warner Brother cartoon characters. That’s Chuck Jones. Yawn! if you’re that interested.

So, now, one of my favorite people, my roommate, Joy, moves to her home in Santa Fe and I go visit. I actually kind of liked it this time. I found the Whole Foods, the coffee shop and the Indian restaurant, and I felt like I was home enough for a while.

I also notice that having done a whole lot of asking “Is it true?” and “Who would you be without your story?” that Santa Fe isn’t so bad. I still don’t want to live there. It dries my skin and everytime someone gives me directions they say, “It’s the adobe building . . . “

Still, I don’t just love Santa Fe… or Seattle.  🙂

Coffee & Wireless at the Santa Fe Hotel

December 4, 2006

It was a very comfortable weekend with Sean and Aubrey at her “new” home in the country. I love being with friends I can totally relax with. I mean *really* relax. Like, who cares if you close the bathroom door? And does this pink look okay on me? Sprawling on couches, helping with the dishes, you know…  *totally* comfortable. 

It had the effect of reminding me how very much I want to live in a community like that again, like the ashram, like the rebirthers, like Denton Days, all of that. When I find that again, I’ll move in and unpack everything to stay a while.

So, Aubrey and I drove an hour to Santa Fe where she has a room with two other roommates, 30 yr old male MD’s. We moved a single futon from the living room to her room and had a little slumber party complete with Sangria and Jarlsberg and crackers. That came about because it was 6 pm and we were very tired. It feels like 9 pm when it’s already been dark 2 or 3 hours. I offered to drive to the store for the wine, oranges and ginger ale, if she’d navigate, and she agreed. She also bought. (Thank you, Aubrey!)  

We checked this morning to see where the bus stop near her would be and there wasn’t one in her neck of the woods at all. So, we showered and bundled up and I drove her to work.  

I have successfully found Whole Foods. It’s huge. Somehow, when people say “tucked back” I look for something smaller.  😉  They have wireless, but the door kept opening and it was muy frio. I picked up a few (too many) things. One is a cup of green chile from their hot bar for Aubrey to nuke for lunch if she get waylaid by the vehicular powers that be. She has to get license tags for her motorcycle.

Muscial Interlude

I don’t want a pickle.

Just wanna ride on my motorcicle.

I don’t wanta a tickle.

I’d rather ride on my motorcycle.

And I don’t wanna die.

I’d rather ride on my motorcy!

– Arlo Guthrie

This tune brought to you in honor of my mother’s husband. 

End Muscial Interlude 

Then. . .  find of finds . . . the Hotel Santa Fe lobby!  Wireless, coffee, low lights, 6 comfy chairs and 2 comfy couches. Marion is one of those big African American folks you just love to have wait on you. I asked him if he’d been here forever and he said he’s only been here 3 months, and only been a server 3 months his whole life. He worked in security before and just isn’t old enough to collect his retirement from the city of LA.

I picked up the hotel’s list of events for Aubrey to peruse. Many, maybe most, are “ongoing.” I am pretty sure I have stayed here before. Probably when Eduardo sent me down here to check out a potential girlfriend while I saw Ammachi.

It was good to take a weekend off after NaNoWriMo. There is plenty of work left to be done on the book. I’ve got ideas and I’ll get started on that this afternoon.

Tiny little maze of a place, Santa Fe. If I turn the right direction, I should be able to find Aubrey’s office by 11:30.