Brunch is Good – Life is Good

I had the most amazing weekend.

Friday night, Russ, a man I’ve just met, invited me to his place to see how we are as lovers. We’re good, but we are both the type of person who want a full 100% loving monogamous relationship to really let go and be present.

He really brought that home to me by noticing it in himself.

Saturday I spent unpacking some more, then I went to a friend’s home to watch a movie. “Light romantic comedy” they told me. So I cried my eyes out through the whole thing.

Why?

My date Friday night is the closest I’ve ever been to a man I would marry, and still isn’t it. It was a big huge opening and growing experience for me.

It was a relief when the Sunday Brunch table was full of people I feel I can be myself with, friends, teachers, and ex-lovers.

I am very close with lovers and ex-lovers who are now friends. That added to the comfort in the room for me. Cricket and Kerry did show up, which I had hoped they would. Cricket had been staying away because I was not yet ready to be comfortable around Kerry. I spent a fair amount of time chatting with her.

So, Kathryn was at brunch. I met her about 3 weeks ago. Alec brought her with him. He introduced us, saying, “You two have to talk. You have a lot in common.”  I intuitively knew he meant she had some interest in sexual healing work by the way he said it. 

We had dinner together the next night and she shared her vision of what we are currently calling a spiritual center. I saw Kathryn do a dance perfomance a couple of weeks ago that was one of the most amazing I’ve ever seen, and very sensual.

I asked what she was doing after brunch, and we went shopping for a location for our center and talked about a sexual healing conference I may be going to with her. She was in her doubts, and asked me things like, “Do I have to do this?” I kept reassuring her that no, she does not have to do anything. She can stop now. Stop in the middle. Stop whenever she likes. It seems to be one of my functions in the world to assure people they have a choice. We do not intend this spiritual center to be anything sexual. We’re not talking about doing dakini work or surrogacy work. We aren’t quite sure how to set it up, but there is something there and we are moving towards it to see what it will be.

I warned her that next time it could be me asking, “Do I have to do this?”

We have both abandoned this work and both feel drawn back into it. Opportunities keep flying in the window after we bar the door. 

Then I went to Steven’s for the meditation class and recording session. It was a small, but deep group. I basically spent the afternoon high as a kite and let myself snuggle with a friend on the couch while we meditated. We went to dinner. He even gave me his hat! It was fun and the affection was just what the doctor ordered to complete my weekend.

I went home and slept like a baby.

Monday night I got clear with Russ that neither of us wants sex in anything but a 100% committed long term relationship. He figured it out as being true for him, then ever so politely pointed out serious contradictions in me and my behavior that might indicate that I’m like that, too.

I know that. I’ve been through this before. I just despair of finding a true fit. And yet I know that it’s possible. There is more self-exploration and relaxing into it to do.

Some Work of Byron Katie, etc.

I also called my Qi Gong teacher. Class is tomorrow at 6. It is traditional to begin with 100 days of sexual abstinence. Last time I made it 40 days and experienced some awesome and very specific sexual healing. We’ll see how it goes.

Love,
Stacy

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