“All You Need Is Love” – Umm, No


I respectfully beg to differ with the four gentlemen from Liverpool on this point.

Love is most definitely not all you need! 

If that were the case, any one of my marriages and affairs would still be going. Oh, in some sense, they are. In the *ahem* immortal words of Catherine Deneuve in “The Hunger,” “I love you!  I loved you all!”  Yes, well.

I’ve been relating and watching relationships and studying relationships all of my life.  There are, so far, about 5 couples whom I believe have the kind of relationship I would like to have – well, at least in a general sense. What I think works for them, makes the difference, is that each of them takes care of their own side of the street.

Yes, they clearly have shared interests, and I’ve seen each learn something of the other’s interests, and that is good. They seem to be able to co-habitate and decorate a home together. Love can do all of that. Sharing is really important.

I have had drama-free relationships for most of the last decade.  I like that.

There has been relatively little drama since my last marriage ended in 1996. Still, there has not been enough sharing to suit my desire for it. I described one relationship this way:  he lived on the top floor, I lived on the bottom, and we met in the middle for dinner and sex. We thought we had more in common than that. So did my ex-husband and I.

Oddly, this man I seem to have 2 generations of difference with, shares more with me than any of them did in some ways. I could totally do without the drama.  It is diminishing over time. And there is much yet to learn about each other and how that works. That will take some time, maybe a long time.

Then, if there is enough sharing, comes the important question:  how do we handle conflict?

With the 5 couples I mentioned, it appears that neither of them blames the other for their own upset – and if they find themselves doing that, they realize the fallacy of it rather quickly and get clear with each other.

That seems to work.

It’s working for me right now.

I don’t think Paul or I has a clue why we are so drawn to each other. We just are.

Is it just sexual?  Well, it could be – but somehow I don’t think so. 

Right now, the best thing I think we can do is learn to relax into this – neither pushing forward nor pulling away, and see what happens when we rest in each other – and enjoy the love while other things develop that we “need.” ***



*** PS – I would love to have a better word for it.  Katie has it right in her book, “I Need Your Love – Is That True?”  Of course not!  We don’t “need” anything. Or we have everything we need. But you get my point. And until we coin better words for “is-ness” and “being-ness,” well, I’ll use the ones we have and caveat them.


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