Archive for the ‘Friends, Family & Lovers (Ex & Otherwise)’ Category

Brief Blurbs of Updatedness

September 15, 2009

Labor Day weekend I dunked my body into 4 hot springs in 3 days – more if you consider that Ojo Caliente has 7 pools of varying temperatures and mineral composition. The drive to and from was peaceful and relaxing, and Joy is a Joy to be with, as always.

By 11:30 this morning, I learned that my boss, who gave her notice a full 6 weeks ago, would not be back. She was trying to work through this Friday, but really… once the decision was made, 6 weeks is a *lot*. Totally don’t blame her.

I am enjoying a very odd phase of things with people right now. Tying up lots of loose ends, getting clearer with people – winning friends, losing friends over my honesty & clarity – what is it they say about that?  Something about how there is nothing really lost when someone can’t handle honesty & clarity. It’s better worded than that. I forget.

I wrote Sashen a note I’ve been meaning to write him for about 6 years, wondering if he’ll be a sounding board for me, asking to negotiate on how to do that, and requesting a referral if he doesn’t have time. His local classes are down to not even one a year, and the 8-week series on practical aspects of Quantum Wealth has not happened, so I am going to take matters into my own hands a bit more now.

I played a great scene with an old friend Sunday morning. Enjoyed the hell out of it and will never do it quite like that again. More clarity. I still want what I want. And won’t settle for less. I’d rather be single than unhappy.

My eating habits are pretty much back to something I can live with. I am still planning on some more fasting for cleansing and weight loss, but am much less susceptible to foods that hurt – and I’ve lost a chunk of weight, but still have much more to go.

What else?

I’m wishing for a bit of a larger living space, one maybe with the living room between the 2 bedrooms so that my roommate and I aren’t sharing a bedroom wall. That would be nice. Still, the rent here is wonderfully low, and lets me live really well for less. That and no car payment and I’m doing fine on that front.

Looking for a PhD that will work for making Ann’s Tale a dissertation, and maybe a different sort of book than I’ve been trying to write. Face it – I suck at telling stories. I’m too informational, too much information, too preachy. It just doesn’t come out as any kind of artfully told tale. But as a dissertation?  Something more textbookish? That’s more my thing.

The kittens are kind of in their Terrible Twos. They are 3 months old, too young to go outside on their own yet, and not till they’ve had their shots, but too old to run rampant through a small 2-bedroom condo… and doing it anyway. I will be glad when they can wear themselves out *out*side and be more placid around the plants and furniture. They *will* grow up. (Thank goodness they aren’t children – that would just take WAY too long!)

I’m totally single right now. There are always several bites on the dating sites, but so far, nothing I could sink my teeth into. No, wait, teeth would be bad. 🙂

Alright, I digress.

“We’ll be saying a big hello to all intelligent lifeforms everywhere and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together guys . ”

      -Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

Keep those cards & letters & phone calls coming!



 PS – Today’s latest Duhism is right in line with me…

HHGG Quote of the Day: 

 “I seem to be having a bit of trouble with my lifestyle.”  Arthur Dent


Just a little about my week

May 9, 2009

So far this week:

I have been talking with and sometimes seeing an ex-lover who is seriously considering suicide. He says if he makes it through the weekend, he will try to talk to someone and get help. He is seriously sleep-deprived and has promised not to do anything until he has slept. Of course, no animal sleeps when it thinks its life is threatened. It stays awake and alert till the danger passes. This might work for him.

I worked 40+ at the new job which keeps me so busy that both lunch and 5 pm come and go without my noticing. I am the Traffic Director (read: receptionist) at a mental health clinic. Many of the clients are certified. Most are on serious meds. This pays my bills so I can do my work with people whose worst problem is a relationship or a job or lack of inner peace in my spare time.   

I have “rescued” a new lover after a flat tire twice… one on his pick up truck, one on his bike. Can hardly wait to see him tonight! That story will land on another page at another time, perhaps.

I am having Chocolate Nirvana with a girlfriend around 11 am for her birthday.

I am still plugging away at getting all the info filled in on 55 Coffee Shops in the Boulder Area for my Guide.  I need help with setting it up as an ebook and selling it both online and in hard copy of some kind. Anyone?

I video chatted with an old lover who now lives in Savannah, Georgia. He has a 3-year old. Single dad. Just joined a couple of double lettered organizations in the last year:  AA and UU. 

I finally found a lover from high school that I have wondered about for years!  I LOVE Facebook.

I’m still looking for a couple more.  I never put real names in this blog, but I’m SO tempted to make an exception. There are still about a few people in this world I would absolutely love to catch up with.

Heck, one of them has a name so common I will never find him if I don’t ask diligently… Anthony Lynn Smith… from Paschal High School.  Anyone gots any ideas what happened to him? There are several others, men and women. Maybe some day they will join Facebook.

I am amazed that Joy was just here a week ago.  I have lived so much life since then.

I’d better get bathed and get ready for the Birthday Girl’s Chocolate Nirvana.



Inspiration from (and on) My Birthday

December 19, 2006

Good morning,

I am sitting on a very comfortable couch in a luxurious home on the side of a mountain watching the Sun rise over Boulder on my birthday. (Thank you!  You know who you are. Sunrises are *amazing* here!) Both my new car and a loaned Subaru Forester (I want my own, in a darker green and standard by the end of the year.) sit outside. I feel SO very blessed and supported on my birthday. I’m getting emails, e-cards and phone calls from people I love.

Since I was 5 years old I have known that I want to teach. I had some … hmm… childhood complications.

Incest. Really, my thoughts *about* incest, and that’s what I’ve learned. That is very different.

The experiences I have had in the life that followed are the very soil in which my teaching and my learning are planted. Sometimes it’s manure, but it matures.

I’ve had some trepidation about speaking in front of large groups of people I do not know. At the same time, I suddenly felt connected and high a few years ago, when I was talking on sexual surrogacy to a class at CU and someone said, “How did you get started doing this?”

I took a deep breath and looked around me. I decided that in a class at CU it was pretty much guaranteed most if not all of them were adult enough to hear my answer. I told them that my response to incest was to explore sexuality long and hard. (All my puns are intentional. I didn’t say it quite that way to them. I wasn’t that quick.Oh, and I no longer do sexual surrogacy. I’m way too monogamous for it.

I’ve trained in Rebirthing/Vivation Breathwork, NLP, Institute for Spiritual Partnerships, Work of Byron Katie, Quantum Wealth, astrology, psychology (master’s), ministry (working on a doctorate), and more. I’ve led support groups and counseled and coached privately on spirituality, relationships, sexuality, career, meditation, goals, gosh everything. I’m the author of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Being a Sex Goddess.” (Look it up on Amazon) Yet somehow, I often stop at merely being a contributing student in the front of the class (or writing long blogs and emails to lists, yes.)

What I am doing this year, is stepping up to the front and speaking to groups, in person.

Actually, I’d just as soon sit in a circle and talk, as often as that format is possible. I don’t know any more or any less than anyone else, so I don’t have to stand at the front of a room to establish some kind of authority. Either I know what I’m talking about or I don’t. In which case, I’d love to be enlightened.

This birthday, I am coming out of the closet as a teacher. I am also coming out of the closet as a writer and a counselor.

I could use some tech support. I have 2 dormant web domains and one that needs updating and need to establish some others for other purposes, like soon. I can trade for my services, especially Clutter Clearing, Work of Byron Katie, and Quantum Wealth. I would also be happy to share, in person, a couple of tastes of Steven’s IAM meditations, which will soon be available to the public.

If any of you know of any teaching positions or groups I could speak to or have any ideas at all about this, I am soliciting support here, now, from you. I would appreciate any and all suggestions, not limited to positive ones, either. I need support and people, large groups of people I don’t know, to do this.  🙂

I posted the above to a few of the email lists I’m on. They are most patient with me when I run on like that. Maybe I do have something to say that someone wants to hear. Writing to email lists has been a “safe” way to say things. So, has writing this blog.  

I am really enjoying the day. I feel very, very good about the coming year. I really appreciate my readers. You’ve given me a place to practice. Last year I came out of the closet to write about myself here.

Writing has the advantage of giving me time to think and edit. At the same time, when I first started, it was hard. I was sending my little heart out in print with no way of knowing how it would be received. This year I’ve spent some time on Katie’s question, “Whose business are you in when you think that thought?” Now it doesn’t matter so much how this is received. That’s completely none of my business.

It’s time to take this out into the world in person again. I’ve gone from doing mostly individual work and small support groups, to writing, and now I am going public to large groups of people I do not (yet) know. Katie teaches that “reality is kinder than your thinking.” I know it is. I’m ready to experience that in teaching.

Thank you for listening.  I may add to this some throughout the day.


“To teach is to demonstrate.”

                  – A Course in Miracles

The Secret – Not!

December 18, 2006

A colleague & friend in London just sent me a well-put opinion on “The Secret, ” a popular recent, “you create your own reality” New Age movie, from someone named Burt Harding, I’m also A Course in Miracles student, not to mention The Work of Byron Katie, and my understanding of Truth has developed a lot in the past few years with that.

Here’s an excerpt from his newsletter:

“In our fascination with seeking we are ready to buy into anything that promises personal power, longer life and a happier and healthier future. But is this really what it’s all about? The path of working with manifesting things in your life can be called the path of magic (coined by A Course in Miracles).

This path of magic is our ego’s craving and blocks our immediate seeing of what-is here and now. One of the great illusions is that we can find happiness through attachments and material attainments.”

Isn’t anybody else noticing this?

I sent this note to a couple of my email lists.

I received many, many well thought out replies to this post and I appreciate them all. I was surprised at the depth of this discussion.

Thank you. I wish everyone had pressed “reply to all” so you could have seen them.

 What I have found so far is that reality is sort of like the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

 A better interpretation was offered by Steven Sashen, author of the upcoming book on quantum wealth. He pointed out that in the yin yang  symbol, one side represents the areas in which we can take action and do our part to move toward whatever we are moving toward as a goal.

The other side, though, is the things we cannot control, and we would not  want to! That’s where the Mystery happens. There “the Universe does what  the Universe does.” Or, “This or something better, Thy Will be done.”

Our job is to stay on our side of that line.

 (Steven actually used the word “magic,” but in order not to confuse it  with “magical thinking” or attempts to control reality, things outside of  our control, I’m saying Mystery and the Universe.)

One of the things that helps me stay on my side of that wavy line down the  middle of the yin yang is to ask Byron Katie’s questions, especially:

       “Whose business am I in when I think that thought?”

We’ve found three kinds of business:

God’s (use your preferred term) – the weather, the stock market, events, other people
Someone Else’s – their opinions, thoughts, feelings, actions, etc.
Mine – well, check inside, yours may differ

It was Kathy Adams who, about this time last year, really helped me to focus on this idea more, when she told me that she had been checking and finding out that almost nothing was her business. I’m discovering that, too.

Peace seems to be the result.

Peace on Earth, Good Will toward All,



Coffee & Wireless at the Santa Fe Hotel

December 4, 2006

It was a very comfortable weekend with Sean and Aubrey at her “new” home in the country. I love being with friends I can totally relax with. I mean *really* relax. Like, who cares if you close the bathroom door? And does this pink look okay on me? Sprawling on couches, helping with the dishes, you know…  *totally* comfortable. 

It had the effect of reminding me how very much I want to live in a community like that again, like the ashram, like the rebirthers, like Denton Days, all of that. When I find that again, I’ll move in and unpack everything to stay a while.

So, Aubrey and I drove an hour to Santa Fe where she has a room with two other roommates, 30 yr old male MD’s. We moved a single futon from the living room to her room and had a little slumber party complete with Sangria and Jarlsberg and crackers. That came about because it was 6 pm and we were very tired. It feels like 9 pm when it’s already been dark 2 or 3 hours. I offered to drive to the store for the wine, oranges and ginger ale, if she’d navigate, and she agreed. She also bought. (Thank you, Aubrey!)  

We checked this morning to see where the bus stop near her would be and there wasn’t one in her neck of the woods at all. So, we showered and bundled up and I drove her to work.  

I have successfully found Whole Foods. It’s huge. Somehow, when people say “tucked back” I look for something smaller.  😉  They have wireless, but the door kept opening and it was muy frio. I picked up a few (too many) things. One is a cup of green chile from their hot bar for Aubrey to nuke for lunch if she get waylaid by the vehicular powers that be. She has to get license tags for her motorcycle.

Muscial Interlude

I don’t want a pickle.

Just wanna ride on my motorcicle.

I don’t wanta a tickle.

I’d rather ride on my motorcycle.

And I don’t wanna die.

I’d rather ride on my motorcy!

– Arlo Guthrie

This tune brought to you in honor of my mother’s husband. 

End Muscial Interlude 

Then. . .  find of finds . . . the Hotel Santa Fe lobby!  Wireless, coffee, low lights, 6 comfy chairs and 2 comfy couches. Marion is one of those big African American folks you just love to have wait on you. I asked him if he’d been here forever and he said he’s only been here 3 months, and only been a server 3 months his whole life. He worked in security before and just isn’t old enough to collect his retirement from the city of LA.

I picked up the hotel’s list of events for Aubrey to peruse. Many, maybe most, are “ongoing.” I am pretty sure I have stayed here before. Probably when Eduardo sent me down here to check out a potential girlfriend while I saw Ammachi.

It was good to take a weekend off after NaNoWriMo. There is plenty of work left to be done on the book. I’ve got ideas and I’ll get started on that this afternoon.

Tiny little maze of a place, Santa Fe. If I turn the right direction, I should be able to find Aubrey’s office by 11:30.



November 29, 2006


I’m confirming something I’ve known about myself for some years now. I am not so much a writer in the sense of a craftsman. I don’t crave the art of it. I don’t revel in the mechanics of it. Not one bit. I know Kurt does. He’s studied this stuff his whole life. I enjoy listening to him about it. I don’t feel motiated to do what he talks about.

What I love to do is write letters. That’s it.

I’ve alway said I write to communicate. I must have an audience or I have nothing to say.

When I wrote my admissions essays back in the mid-90’s for grad school, I couldn’t write a word until I had called the department and spoken to a human being, someone who was likely to be the reader. I usually spoke to the faculty advisor. I’d ask what they wanted in the paper, have a few minutes of conversation with them, and I got of the phone ready to write. No problem. I had an audience.

So, it has been nearly terminally frustrating to try to do NaNoWriMo.

I’m not motivated to write fiction in the first place. Nor am I motivated to write an outline, create conflicts, create characters, get characters in and out of those conflicts and show, don’t tell, in the meantime.


Sure, the “show, don’t tell” edict still applies, but the rest of it?


In an attempt to pander to my proclivities, I created a word document and dutifully titled it “Letters,” thinking that maybe I could make up characters that Ann would write to, based on real life friends, of course, but made up.

That document remains blank, but this blog, well, I have a real audience. You.

This “problem” turned up when I tried to write something for Eric Francis. I’m not done trying to submit something to him that he will publish, but I have been regrouping since it first came up in July. I don’t know what all of the shortcomings of my attempts may have been, but even I could see that they were forced and weren’t going where I wanted them to.

So, for a while I wrote in to the forums on his site. Somewhere in there, he wrote me a note and suggested that I not write as if I’m writing directly to him.


Fortunately, by now I’ve read some of the other astrologers and participants on his site and I can more easily address the group, but he caught me in my biggest characteristic as a writer… I write to a specific audience.

Even more fortunately, I am of the Steven Sashen school of thought that a seeming “problem” is nothing more than the pointer to the “solution.” Every single problem we have is practically screaming the answer to us.

I might be willing to learn to write better letters.

I am definitely willing to put effort into putting my letters together in some sequence that tells a story, writing some connecting material and bringing it together to say something that is meaningful. Yes. I’ll do all of that.

So, here I am blogging in an attempt to write another 14,000 words for NaNoWriMo. It’s physically possible. It’s even probable if I write enough letters.