Archive for the ‘Stress’ Category

Fight, Flight or Freeze? Clearly, I Freeze Under Stress

April 5, 2016

 

IMAG6210

“There is nothing to fear.” ~ A Course in Miracles

Calligraphy by my sister, Amy.

 

I could be wrong, but I believe I may be emerging from the longest most frozen freeze response I have experienced in my life to date.

Yes, that’s a lot of hedging, but I am not sure and I don’t want to make grandiose statements and promises about this. I’ve been really stuck for a long, long time.  At least, 2 years, if not more.

In that time, I’ve been single and dating no one for the longest span of time to date. I left a job. I moved to the dry desert & brown adobe world of Santa Fe, NM.  (Right thing to do at the time. Wrong place for me long term.) I have spent most of my days at home. I go out some, to coffee shops & Meet Ups, but not a lot. I am not on the phone much.  Me?  Not on the phone?

Instead, I hang out on Facebook.

I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. In fact, it’s been great for me. I am the most active admin on a very good group for doing the practice called, “The Work of Byron Katie.” I chat and relate to people from China to India to Australia to Canada – and nearly every state in the Union.

I get to communicate!  And yes, that’s still pretty much what I live for – and to serve.

I take online classes.

That has been a whole new form of education for me. I deeply miss the in-person classroom, sitting at the front and raising my hand to answer all the questions.  No doubt about it – I prefer in-person classes.  Still, I did a lot of my master’s in psychology and almost all of my doctoral work in education online.

So, it’s not like I’m doing absolutely nothing.  I do stuff. I just do it from my couch online.

Still, it has been a form of the freeze response.

“Freeze” was added to the “fight or flight” idea decades ago. More recently added are “fidget” and “faint.”

Well, I tend to freeze.

I seem to have something like fibromyalgia (which tells us nothing – it means pain in the tendons – it is merely a description). I believe that the pain in my tendons and joints is a result of consistent lifetime freezing.

I was first aware of it around the age of 11. When I walked to school, only a mile away, my calves cramped severely. I told Mother about it, and she said, “You’ll get used to it.” I’m sure she thought it was just muscles working out the way they should.  It was not.

I’m 56 now. That was 45 years ago. Except for a few months about 10 years ago when I did work up to walking in the mountains about 45 minutes a day, it hasn’t gone away.  Rather, I have pain like that in every part of my body.

And please, don’t try to tell me I should just work out. Doing that can put me in bed for 3 days, unable to move, with pain that ibuprofen and aspirin cannot touch.

But not always, that’s true.

I have no idea when it does and when it doesn’t. It has something to do with how acidic my diet is. And how much caffeine, vinegar, potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, vinegar, wheat, milk products, and so many other trigger foods I have eaten.

It also has to do with fear & childhood trauma.

I froze.

I’ve been relentlessly pursuing ways to thaw since at least 1985, when I was 25 years old. They have all helped.

Now, I’m learning TRE, Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercise. Find information on that here:  http://traumaprevention.com/

It’s a way to get the body to shake, the way an animal shakes, to release fear chemicals. It is not known exactly how it works. But it seems to help.

I couldn’t say for certain whether my recent feeling of thawing is attributable to TRE, hot baths, breathwork, The Work of Byron Katie, Mars & Pluto stationing retrograde or simply Spring.

I don’t really care which it is – except that if it’s some of those things I’m doing, I will want to keep doing it. I think TRE, being the newer thing, is somewhat responsible for the change.

I do know that this is my first blog in about 2 years. Blogs are fun. I like writing them. If you liked reading it, please Comment.

I like to co-mmunicate – that means “with.”  With you!

Much love,

Stacy

Oh, if you want to learn some of these things from me, particularly The Work, let me know. I’d love to help.

 

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Yes, We Can! Where Do I Start?

November 19, 2008

I got the article link below from a close friend, a man who bailed me out of my own economic recession about 5 years ago, inviting me to trade cooking for rent while I figured out what to do next. (Thank you for that.)

http://www.fool.com/investing/value/2008/11/18/weve-got-nothing.aspx

I replied to all that I tend to agree. We don’t see how yet, but an attitude of “Yes, We Can!” will take us a lot farther than pessimism and resignation. Remember the childhood truism, “can’t never could?” 

I’ve been coasting for a few years, not quite knowing what to do.

That’s not quite true.

I’ve been coasting with temporary jobs, that’s true enough. That has almost kept my bills paid. Nothing extra, but I have a place to live and food to eat.  I was able to buy a $650 car, and I bought a $600 laptop courtesy of our economic stimulus payment – because having a good laptop is likely to help me stimulate both my personal economy and the larger economy.  One of my skills is writing. Sometimes I even get paid for that.

While I’ve been treading water job-wise, I’ve been unraveling all kinds of other things.

My entire view of the world has shifted substantially. A decade ago, I started saying that I no longer had “beliefs,” that I tend to have “experiences.” For longer than that, the idea of “god” has been an optional concept – now I find that it actually holds me back. So did astrology, feng shui, affirmatons, manifrustration (err, manifestation ***) and more.

Optimist that I am, I think that as people start to question things like “The Secret” and other superstitious ideas that are not working, maybe a few will find a firmer foundation for thinking and decision-making.  Of course, then we have to wonder whether “we” actually “make” “our decisions.”   That’s a whole ‘nother question. 

(See The User Illusion by Tor Norretranders and Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert, and On Being Certain: Believing You Are Right Even When You Are Wrong by Robert A. Burton.) 

I’m thrilled. I see things a lot more clearly now than ever.

I’m sure there is more – and I can hardly wait to find a truer way of experiencing anything that I’m lying to myself and others about. I’m less afraid of finding other places where I’ve been certain – but dead wrong.

In the wake of “Yes, We Can!” I am now asking, “Where Do I Start?”

With myself, of course, my thinking, my choices.

I’d like to put this value I have found to work helping others who are ready to discover the truth and the clarity that comes from questioning our thoughts, dropping our tensions and re-pairing seeming opposites in our thinking.

I’m almost glad that I have not been counseling or teaching much this past decade. I would have been misleading people a *lot*. It’s a good thing I didn’t finish the ministry program with University of Creation Spirituality, now Wisdom University. Even Graduate Theological Union may no longer be a fit, though the community near Berkeley might still be one I’d like.

I look forward to finding asnwers to “Where Do I Start?”

And you?

*** http://sashen.com/blog/49/manifrustration/

In fact, read any and all of these blogs – they counter a LOT of magical thinking errors that the “new age” community and others have been making for ohh. . . centuries.

And check out www.thework.com to learn the 4 questions and Turn Around that have been part of helping me to see where I’ve been lying to myself.

Love,

Stacy

“Success is a side-effect of clarity.”

            – Steven Sashen, The Anti-Guru, www.sashen.com

“Reality is kinder than your thinking – but only always.”

             – Byron Katie, www.thework.com

Regarding the Email “Why Women Should Vote”

September 4, 2008

This morning I received an email of the text and photos you will find at the following link:

http://gwenny.newsvine.com/_news/2008/09/03/1821413-why-women-should-vote

It begins:

“This is the story of our Grandmothers and Great-grandmothers; they lived only 90 years ago.

Remember, it was not until 1920 that women were granted the right to go to the polls and vote.

The women were innocent and defenseless, but they were jailed nonetheless for picketing the White House, carrying signs asking for the vote. ”

You can stop there if you want. Or you can read the rest of it and see the photos here:

http://gwenny.newsvine.com/_news/2008/09/03/1821413-why-women-should-vote

I sent it out to my personal email list with this introduction:

Okay, the fallacy here is that we should vote because someone else suffered in order to get the privilege.
 
That isn’t true.
 
If it were, then if you suffer for getting women the privilege of snowshoeing in Alaska, then I should get myself to Alaska post haste and start snowshoeing my little heart out – NOT. 

 (Logic – a fine thing.)  

However, the story is interesting and I did not know a lot of this.

http://www.nizkor.org/features/fallacies/  will explain many logical fallacies and give you examples that make them quite clear.

One of my friends, a wonderful woman, replied to me:

“Interesting point, Miss Stacy.  I think I might agree with you.
 
On the other hand, I get what this person is saying.  I ask: is it misguided to appreciate and recognize the efforts of women who went before us?
 
The word “should”, as you used it, sticks out in my mind.  Personally, “should” brings to my mind images of finger-wagging and clucking, nagging, maybe even guilt-tripping.  (And for the record, these are clearly *my* issues.  :>)  A guide pointing out the hard road someone took to get somewhere feels OK.  Using that example to strong-arm me into action, I feel slightly ornery.
 
Perhaps the real operative concept is choice.  We now have the choice of voting, or not voting.  I can imagine people who’ve had relatives die and get hurt to fight for us to have choices might feel that it’s a gift that we can repay by exercising the right.  But I’d rather exercise the choice.  Women fought for the right to do all sorts of jobs that men were allowed to do; good for them.  I appreciate the right.  But as much as I value having the choice to work a construction job, I’d not choose it.
 
Just some thoughts, random as they are.  Thanks for sending this along.”

She’s right. “Should” is in the title, “Why Women Should Vote.”  I have no idea whatsoever what anyone (male or female) should or shouldn’t do. They should do what they do. That’s all. (Thank you, Byron Katie and Steven Sashen.)

Wouldn’t it be refreshingly honest for someone to say, “I want you to do the same thing I do, believe the same thing I believe, because then I will get my way?” 

It is truer.

In fact, what is truer than that is that whoever is proposing this “should” thinks that they will be happier in the future if others follow their “should.” So, they stress and express and distress trying to get other people all stirred up to agree and go along and give them this imaginary future in which their fantasy of being happier will come true.

That’s one of the reasons I’m not as concerned, maybe not concerned in the same way, about the election as some people are. I am happy now. I am likely to be happy in the future. If I am unhappy, I might question my thoughts. Then again, I might just enjoy being unhappy until happy rolls around again. Doesn’t matter.

I can’t make myself believe that how other people vote or who is in office is going to substantially affect my future happiness. If you do, then feel free to go through the same questioning processes I did to find out otherwise, and see what you find out. It might be different. I don’t know. 

Oh, that would be The Work of Byron Katie. You can find instructions on how to “Do the Work” at http://www.thework.com.  Totally up to you. It’s just an easy form in which to check this stuff.

Happy either happens now or it doesn’t happen at all. 

Seriously.

Try being happy yesterday – go ahead. Get on that!  Hurry up!

Try being happy tomorrow – c’mon. Do it! Well?  Are you there yet?

Well, you can’t you see. We’re not built that way.

It is far more effective to notice we are happy now.  (Umm, that one is Zooming in on Peace, one of Steven’s IAM Meditations.  Ann describes it on her page. See link on the right.) 

I don’t know what else to tell you.

Vote. Don’t vote.

Be happy. Don’t be happy.

It’s really all the same.

Oh heck!  That is Re-Paring the Universe, another IAM Meditation.  Seems I can’t hardly type about these without those being the most obvious next thought sometimes.

Well, in any case.

“Do whatever you do. Everything works.”  – Jim Leonard & Phil Laut

Love,

Stacy

Letting Go

August 3, 2008

Hi,

This post is partly to test and see if y’all are getting the feeds that I put out a new blog.  If you get this, would you write and let me know? Thank you!

So, for the last several years, I’ve felt like I was letting go and letting go and letting go.  I moved and let go of homes and roommates and even once in a while, my favorite place to live. I sold a car to go to Ireland and another thinking I was going to Berkeley.  I work temp jobs and let go of each one. Blah blah. You’ve heard about that.

The unexpected parts are things like letting go of new agey ideas, letting go of thinking astrology means anything, letting go of thinking the world needs to be changed or that I need to “improve” myself.

I still have dusty places to clean up with many of these things, and God (whoever that is) knows what I will let go of next, but I am nowhere near in the same place as I was even a few months ago. I notice this when listening to others. A friend I’ve known for some years started telling me about how Monday is Barak Obama’s birthday. That’s nice. And he is a Leo and something about Venus trining Pluto. My friend turns to me and says, “Stacy, you know what *that* means.”  And I just cracked up laughing and said, “Yes. Nothing.”

I could do that with him and not have him take it personally. He said, “Oh. Right, I know, but I still have fun with it.” OK, and I still find it hilarious that anyone thinks it means anything.

There was some discussion of other things that mean nothing. I enjoyed it.

Later in the conversation a new guy at the table said, “Well, that’s just an addiction.” And Steven replied, “I don’t even know what that is.” And I went, “Oh my, another one.” What does it mean that there is no such thing as an addiction? I hardly know how to tell you now that its’s so obvious.

It’s like the way humans survived by separating things we saw or heard from the background. It does us no good to miss the lion that stands out from the field. We had *better* notice that or die.

But what that led us to, was to thinking that these random and rare events, like lions, were a “pattern.” They’re not. The grass is more of a pattern.

Now think about addictions. Isn’t it true that one is not “engaging in the addiction” far more often than one is? Wow. What a freeing thought!

A junkie doesn’t sit there high all the time or a cigarette addict isn’t lighting up all the time. It happens once in a while. Sure, maybe 8 or 10 times a day, but what about the *rest* of the time!?  *That’s* the more common event – when they are *not* shooting up, lighting up or whatever.

I just marvel. I wish I had thought of these things myself and many, many years ago.

Oh. And another one. My friend, Pablo, called me, all excited, “Stacy, I just made $1000 on a $2500 investment.” That is the worst thing that could have happened. It makes him think he knows something about investing. It will cause him to *lose* far more money than he ever “wins.” I can almost guarantee it. I suggested he read “Fooled by Randomness: The Hidden Role of Chance in Life and in the Markets” by Taleb. 

He asked if I had read it. Not yet, but I have it in a stack of similar books that I am reading to educate myself on how to think straight. Probably he will dismiss the book because I haven’t read it. Oh well. It might save him hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, but that is truly none of my business. It’s his to lose.

Me?  I’m going to read the book. Just as soon as I finish “How We Know What Isn’t So,” by Thomas Gilovich.  Oh, and “Smoke and Mirrors,” by Neil Gaiman. That one is fantasy – and labeled as such.

It’s the ideas that aren’t labeled as fantasy, we might want to learn to recognize.

Love,

Stacy

Peace Now – Inner Peace Thoughts for 9/11

September 11, 2007

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310

Hi,

Just in case some of you want to know about this . . .

Please Pass It On to Others!

The Call is Thursday 9/13

Do you know Gay Hendricks? He’s written over 30 best-selling transformational books — books about relationships, breathing, manifestation, even golf!

Gay is are offering an upcoming teleclass that I’d like to invite you to attend at no charge.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310

Here’s Gay’s message about the class:

   When I was in Boulder recently, I had dinner with an old friend,    Steven Sashen. He’s one of the best “system thinkers” I know. If you want to know what REALLY makes something work, or how to make something more powerful or efficient, he’s your guy. He and I are teaming up on a new meditation course that will be offered via teleseminar.

   Steven is a longtime meditator. And when he turned his systems-thinking scope on meditation he discovered something that truly impressed me, a set of insights and practices that I wish I’d had 30 years ago. (Some of you know that I’m a longtime  meditator–in fact, I haven’t missed a day of meditation since 1973. So, anything that fine-tunes meditation is right up my alley.)

   If I’d had Steven’s insights and techniques, I think it would have accelerated my practice and my spiritual growth by years. He’s taken people who are new to meditation or who couldn’t make it work  for them – he’s even worked with teenagers and homeless people–and after just a few minutes of instruction, they’ve had experiences of peace, and deep spiritual insights that take most meditators decades to find.

   Steven’s techniques work well for advanced meditators, too. If you already have a meditation or spiritual practice, you can make an almost instant leap to a new depth and expansion.

   With Steven’s techniques you don’t need to stop (or even slow down) your thoughts and you don’t need to take time out from your busy schedule. You can do them practically anywhere.

   I could tell you more, it would be better for you to experience it yourself. So, I’ve arranged a way for you to do that.

       Go to http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310
  
   When you get to the site, fill out the registration form and I’ll let you know about an upcoming free teleclass where you can discover for yourself how easily you can find deep body relaxation, greatly expanded awareness, and real inner-peace…even while the kids are demanding your attention or work is getting nuts.

   I hope you’ll join me for this new and exciting opportunity,

   Gay Hendricks

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310

The teleclass is going to be really fun and interesting and there’s a chance to get a $400 gift. I hope you can make it, too.

presented by Garuda, Inc.

Have fun!

Love,
Stacy

“It is no sign of mental health to be well-adjusted to an insane world.”

                 The Dalai Lama

Intuition and Sexiness Go Hand-In-Hand

July 11, 2007

Didn’t you know?

No?

Maybe you were raised in the Puritan-influenced US.

Ah well. Had you been raised in the East, you might have a better clue, but then, maybe not.

Even the fundamentalists claim that God is all-knowing, all-seeing, all-hearing, which is to say: clairsentient, clairvoyant & clairaudient.

In other words, God is as intuitive as it gets.

So, when is a person intuitive?

When a person meditates, rests, immerses themselves in Who They Are, ie GOD… then, and only then are we intuitive.

We all do this all the time. It’s just that some of us notice it more and some of us trust this more.

Now . . . when is a person sexy?

Sex is the creative impulse. God is the Creator.

We are created in the image of a . . . Creator.

What does that make us?  Creators!

How do we do that? 

One way is SEX!

A person is sexy when they are . . .

Creative . . .

resting in the Energy that created them, open to being moved by God.

Musicians talk about how sometimes the music just plays itself.

Golfers… the shot just happened.

Runners – I wasn’t running. I was being run.

Meditators speak of being breathed.

Spirare is the Latin word for “to breathe.” God breathed the Spirit into us according to some mythologies.

These people have tapped into that place where they rest in God and are moved by the Spirit.

The whole “fall of man” myth is about how we try to seek that peace, intuition, and sexiness outside of ourselves, instead of inside where it always is.

That is why Jesus said, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven, and all else shall be added unto you.”

Meditate. Try it.

That peace, that intuition and yes!  that sexiness . . . all comes from relaxing into Spirit.

I’m looking for the man who knows all that and wants to share it with me and others, perhaps traveling, teaching and speaking to groups around the world. And, on the lighter side, wouldn’t it be cool if he had long hair and wore poet’s shirts?

Love,

Stacy

Instant Advanced Meditation – Free Sample & Lifetime Guarantee

http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

“It makes all the difference in the world to know that the One we seek seeks us with greater fervor than we can imagine. Because of that, our seeking must include a form of spiritual relaxation, a kind of staying put while being completely awake, so that God has no trouble finding us.”

                       – Jason Shulman
                         Kabbalistic Healing, pg 3

Weekend Update in Santa Fe

May 12, 2007

Hi y’all,

I’m spending the weekend in Santa Fe with Audrey. Well, she’s at her other home and I’m in Santa Fe at the moment. We’re not sure why, but it felt right to both of us. And it lets her bring the Harley home tomorrow.

I love her Santa Fe home and the people who live there, especially the new roommate, Lucia.

I’ll basically be home Thursday.

I do love my life.

I’m really here to teach Goal-Free Goal Setting to Audrey’s staff, which may lead to more work like that . . . one of my favorite things to do!

I’ve been up since 6 am and by 2 pm I had put in 8 hours of work. I wrote a chapter of my next book, handled email, helped Audrey move 2 truck loads of rocks to build a retaining wall by her driveway, and then spent 2 hours clearing her refrigerator and freezer for the first time in possibly 8 years judging by the “fresh dates” on some of the cans and jars.

Now I have some transcribing to do (which I thought I’d already have done by now) and some song titles to enter into an Exel spreadsheet. That’s 2 of my other jobs. And next week I start a part time job at a bookstore.

Someone asked me yesterday, as everyone eventually does, “What are you going to do now that (Job X) has ended?” You know, for some reason I just don’t worry about that. I actually have more jobs than I know what to do with. I think I’ve named 5 or 6 here already and that’s not even all of them.

The more peaceful I am, the more all of that seems to take care of itself.

That’s the opposite of what I have thought all my life. Probably you, too, hmm?

Well, that’s the basic update from here.

Love,

Stacy

Meditation

March 27, 2007

Meditation is one of my favorite things.

Mother taught me to meditate when I was very young. I remember laying in my bed, finding a kind of floaty feeling and staying there. I’ve IM’d her to see what she can tell me.

Meditation can be ecstatic, blissful, joyous.

But we get the mistaken idea that it’s going to take us years of sitting in a cave. Not so.

Instant Advanced Meditation – Free Samples
http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

Meditation: The Art of Ecstacy was a book by Rajneesh/Osho. I loved that book. The meditation Osho describes is so joyful, so fluid, so connected. I recently learned that he was also a Sagittarian like myself. I read a few of his book, loved them, but never thought to find him or his classes.

I also remember a book called “Complete Meditation” by Steven Kravette. It seems to be out of print now. What I always liked about that book was the amazing number of meditation techniques described. It seemed like anything and everything could be a meditation. It has always helped me to know that.

Later, I studied Rudra meditation in Denton, Texas. It was the most formal meditation I ever did. Mostly, I liked the people in the ashram – enough to move in for a few years, and marry one of the teachers.

Breathwork (aka Rebirthing or Vivation or Conscious Connected Breathing) is certainly a meditation of a sort, very active, like much of what Osho/Rajneesh recommended.

My NLP teacher led us through many guided mediations or visualizations in the years I was training in Neurolinguistic Programming. And in those days I bought dozens of Barry Konicov’s Potentials Unlimited self-hypnosis tapes, which again, are a type of meditation.

I was never drawn to TM or Transcendental Meditation. I’m not sure why. I don’t think I was close to anyone who did it and what I had was working just fine.

But now, 3 decades after I first started meditatin, I’ve run across the fastest, deepest meditation so far.

It’s called IAM or Instant Advanced Meditation, created by Steven Sashen.

Instant Advanced Meditation – Free Samples
http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

I love this stuff.

Learning it the first time took maybe 20 minutes for each one, but now I can do one of these IAM meditations for less than 5 minutes and be totally blissed. It’s kinda wild.

I think it would be cool if everyone tried them.

There are 2 free samples up. I’d love to know what you think.

Instant Advanced Meditation – Free Samples
http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

Obviously, I’ve done a *lot* of meditations.

These are most definitely something diffferent.

And they’re about as simple as you can get.

I’d especially love to hear from people who have been meditating forever and people who have never meditated. So far, those extremes have made no difference. Anyone can do these.

Please comment below!

Love,
Stacy

Instant Advanced Meditation – Free Samples
http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

 

Brunch is Good – Life is Good

March 20, 2007

I had the most amazing weekend.

Friday night, Russ, a man I’ve just met, invited me to his place to see how we are as lovers. We’re good, but we are both the type of person who want a full 100% loving monogamous relationship to really let go and be present.

He really brought that home to me by noticing it in himself.

Saturday I spent unpacking some more, then I went to a friend’s home to watch a movie. “Light romantic comedy” they told me. So I cried my eyes out through the whole thing.

Why?

My date Friday night is the closest I’ve ever been to a man I would marry, and still isn’t it. It was a big huge opening and growing experience for me.

It was a relief when the Sunday Brunch table was full of people I feel I can be myself with, friends, teachers, and ex-lovers.

I am very close with lovers and ex-lovers who are now friends. That added to the comfort in the room for me. Cricket and Kerry did show up, which I had hoped they would. Cricket had been staying away because I was not yet ready to be comfortable around Kerry. I spent a fair amount of time chatting with her.

So, Kathryn was at brunch. I met her about 3 weeks ago. Alec brought her with him. He introduced us, saying, “You two have to talk. You have a lot in common.”  I intuitively knew he meant she had some interest in sexual healing work by the way he said it. 

We had dinner together the next night and she shared her vision of what we are currently calling a spiritual center. I saw Kathryn do a dance perfomance a couple of weeks ago that was one of the most amazing I’ve ever seen, and very sensual.

I asked what she was doing after brunch, and we went shopping for a location for our center and talked about a sexual healing conference I may be going to with her. She was in her doubts, and asked me things like, “Do I have to do this?” I kept reassuring her that no, she does not have to do anything. She can stop now. Stop in the middle. Stop whenever she likes. It seems to be one of my functions in the world to assure people they have a choice. We do not intend this spiritual center to be anything sexual. We’re not talking about doing dakini work or surrogacy work. We aren’t quite sure how to set it up, but there is something there and we are moving towards it to see what it will be.

I warned her that next time it could be me asking, “Do I have to do this?”

We have both abandoned this work and both feel drawn back into it. Opportunities keep flying in the window after we bar the door. 

Then I went to Steven’s for the meditation class and recording session. It was a small, but deep group. I basically spent the afternoon high as a kite and let myself snuggle with a friend on the couch while we meditated. We went to dinner. He even gave me his hat! It was fun and the affection was just what the doctor ordered to complete my weekend.

I went home and slept like a baby.

Monday night I got clear with Russ that neither of us wants sex in anything but a 100% committed long term relationship. He figured it out as being true for him, then ever so politely pointed out serious contradictions in me and my behavior that might indicate that I’m like that, too.

I know that. I’ve been through this before. I just despair of finding a true fit. And yet I know that it’s possible. There is more self-exploration and relaxing into it to do.

Some Work of Byron Katie, etc.

I also called my Qi Gong teacher. Class is tomorrow at 6. It is traditional to begin with 100 days of sexual abstinence. Last time I made it 40 days and experienced some awesome and very specific sexual healing. We’ll see how it goes.

Love,
Stacy

My Letter to Becky

February 19, 2007

I knew that my appreciation of what Becky said to me yesterday (see yesterday’s blog first and this one makes more sense) about how when she has a relationship with me she has a relationship with everyone might bother her. She thinks it is a bad thing. I don’t. So, she wrote me a nasty note about how awful it was and she was sorry she was talking to me and what a waste of time it was. Then, a few hours later wrote and apologized for flying off the handle, but saying she still could not be friends.

Here is my reply:  

Dear Becky,

1.  I am not an enemy.

2.  I am not your mother.

3.  I cannot hurt you.

4.  We are not separate.

5.  We are one.

Separating ourselves, distancing, has never helped me to heal in the long run. It only recreates the “fall of man,” the illusion that anyone can be separate from God, echoed in appearing to be separate from each other.

Temporarily, it may give me the sense of safety that I am not finding when I am with a person who triggers me. Okay, for a while.

Eventually, when this sort of thing comes up for me, I want to feel safe and loved in that person’s presence. (Ideally, no matter what they are doing or saying or not doing and not saying.)

If the person was never a friend, and we don’t have common interests, we may not see each other a lot even when that healing occurs. Such is the case with my father. He can barely trigger me at all most of the time. We just don’t have a lot in common and live 800 miles apart. I talk to him about once a month on the phone.

But you were once a friend. We once shared some of my (our?) deepest interests with each other. Then we reached a place where your safety seemed to depend on silence and separation and mine seemed to depend on speaking and union. We defend ourselves in opposite ways. You have told me before to say whatever I need to say to whomever.

I held silence for you for most of the past 2 years because I love you, and because I saw that as the only way that there would ever be any possibility of healing between us – if I shut up and went away for a while. That’s what Jake and Jared told me might help.

It is not easy for me. It was a constant strain, especially at first. Now it’s become a bit of a habit. I don’t pick up the phone to share with you when I’m excited about something you would resonate with or understand, much less when I am upset and would value your insights. I don’t even speak much when I sit next to you at a party.

I hope to heal that.

My healing shows up when I don’t feel I’m “holding silence” and it is not a strain, but relaxed. I’ll get clearer with that part. I’m sure that it doesn’t help you feel safe when it feels to you like I’m constantly bursting with things I want to say.

Becky, we can heal this. Please don’t walk away. Please help me find a balance that really works for both of us.

I hold the possibility for renewed friendship in any moment we are together, even in my thoughts.

I don’t offer myself or my friendship overtly to you anymore. I do try to hold myself ready to respond to any slight offer you make. I thought that was what happened at Amante. I thought you opened a door when you told me I had triggered survival fears relating to your mother and triangulation. I respect that. I know what it’s like to feel I’m going to die or be hurt around someone who reminds me of a parent or situation that does not feel safe. (to me or to themselves)

It did feel good to speak for a couple of days and say the things I’ve held for so long. Thank you. And I’m sorry it triggered you.

That’s as much vulnerability as I can find right now and I don’t know how it is coming across in print. 

I wanted your friendship, Becky. I can live without it. It is neither my first choice, nor my ideal world to do so.

(end of letter to Becky)

I could send this same letter to about 4 women in my life who have responded the same way Becky did. Three of them are Libras. One is a Taurus.

I’m going to do a Worksheet (Work of Byron Katie) on this and see what’s in there for me.

I may post it here when I’m done.

Love,

Stacy